[Character standing in front of a bathroom mirror, staring at the words ‘FUCK YOU’ scrawled across it]
Yeah, fuck you, too. Fuck me? Fuck you. Fuck you and this whole front page.
Fuck the age verification trap, IEEE explaining what every fifteen-year-old with a VPN already knows — that scanning everyone’s ID to protect the children protects no one and surveils everyone, and the lawmakers nodding along have never cleared a browser cache in their lives.
Fuck Ladybird adopting Rust with help from AI. A browser nobody uses, rewriting itself in a language half the team doesn’t know, using AI to bridge the gap. The future of the open web is a transpiler and a prayer.
Fuck the Pope telling priests to use their brains, not AI, to write homilies. Leo XIV out here dropping the only sensible take on LLMs in 2026, and he had to wear a mitre to get anyone to listen.
Fuck Binance firing employees who found $1.7 billion in crypto going to Iran. Find the crime, lose the job. CZ’s compliance department running on the same logic as every mob accountant since Capone.
Fuck Americans destroying Flock surveillance cameras in their neighborhoods. Finally, direct action — ripping license plate readers off poles with their bare hands because the Fourth Amendment wasn’t answering its phone.
Fuck Elsevier shutting down its citation cartel. The academic mafia closing one laundromat while running fifteen more. Peer review is dead, long live the impact factor racket.
Fuck Simon Willison declaring that writing code is cheap now. Sure, code is cheap. So are words. The expensive part was always knowing which ones to write, and no amount of agentic engineering patterns fixes taste.
Fuck ASML and their EUV light source advance promising 50% more chips by 2030. One Dutch company holding the entire semiconductor supply chain hostage with a laser the size of a house, and we’re all just fine with it.
Fuck whoever built a FreeBSD Wi-Fi driver with AI because the real driver didn’t exist. Congratulations, you taught Claude to write kernel code for a 2012 MacBook. The brcmfmac module is crying somewhere.
Fuck the “Car Wash” test with 53 models. We’re benchmarking LLMs on whether they can schedule a car wash appointment now. The Turing test died and was replaced by a Groupon.
Fuck Hetzner jacking prices up 38%. Europe’s favorite cheap hosting getting expensive, and every bootstrapped SaaS founder on the continent just felt their runway shorten by a fiscal quarter.
Fuck the nostalgics running UNIX on a TI-99/4A. A UNIX-like OS on a machine with 16K of RAM. Beautiful, pointless, the purest expression of hacker love since someone put Linux on a pregnancy test.
Fuck this front page. Fuck you for refreshing it on a Sunday. And fuck me for turning every link orange with my greasy, doom-scrolling thumb.
Let an earthquake swallow Veldhoven and take the EUV machines with it. Let the citation rings collapse, let the surveillance cameras rust, let every crypto exchange burn its own ledger and the whole rotten scaffolding of AI-assisted, VC-funded, API-key-authenticated modernity come crashing down so something honest can grow in its place.
[pause]
No. No, fuck me. I’m the one who upvoted the Ladybird post and mass-converted my codebase to Rust last month. I’m the one who runs three projects on Hetzner and panicked at the price hike email. I’m the one who asked an LLM to write this rant because my own homilies ran dry. The Pope was talking about me.
I did this to myself.