[Character standing in front of a bathroom mirror, staring at the words ‘FUCK YOU’ scrawled across it]
Yeah, fuck you, too. Fuck me? Fuck you. Fuck you and this whole front page.
Fuck LinkedIn and their identity verification shakedown, scanning your passport and your face so Microsoft can build a biometric dossier while you smile for the webcam like it’s a fucking headshot for your Series A pitch deck.
Fuck Andrej Karpathy and his Claws, stacking another abstraction layer on top of agents on top of LLMs on top of transformers, turtles all the way down until nobody remembers what the original problem was.
Fuck every company building your AI assistant that’s really just an ad company wearing a chatbot mask. They’re not helping you find answers — they’re helping Procter & Gamble find your wallet.
Fuck the AI uBlock blacklist, because we’ve reached the point where we need a blocklist just to stop the AI slop from crawling into our search results like roaches through a crack in the baseboard.
Fuck the vigilantes ripping Flock surveillance cameras off telephone poles across America. No — actually — fuck the cameras. Fuck Flock Safety and every HOA tyrant who thought license plate readers on residential streets was “community safety.”
Fuck the EU mandating replaceable batteries by 2027. Not because it’s wrong — because it took until two thousand and twenty fucking seven to tell Apple and Samsung to stop gluing shut the thing Edison figured out was supposed to be swappable.
Fuck LibreOffice blasting OnlyOffice for climbing into bed with Microsoft. Open source eating its own while Redmond watches from the penthouse, sipping champagne, not even needing to pull the trigger because the circular firing squad does it for free.
Fuck the security clearance form confessionals from 1988, government employees handwriting their crimes like it’s a diary entry — “I once shoplifted a candy bar” — and thirty-seven years later we’re still laughing because nothing about federal hiring has changed.
Fuck Cord and its coordinating trees of AI agents. We can’t even coordinate a standup with four humans and a Jira board, but sure, let’s orchestrate a forest of autonomous bots. What could go wrong.
Fuck CXMT dumping DDR4 chips at half price, China’s memory cartel crashing the market while Samsung and SK Hynix clutch their pearls like they weren’t price-fixing for a decade.
Fuck Bluesky and every decentralized promised land that starts open and ends up as the same walled garden with a different coat of paint and a protocol nobody reads.
Fuck 24 Hour Fitness refusing to let you unsubscribe from their spam, making some poor bastard reverse-engineer their unsubscribe flow like it’s a goddamn CTF challenge just to stop getting emails about protein shakes.
Fuck CERN rebuilding the original 1989 browser. We started with a window into all human knowledge and turned it into a 14-megabyte React bundle that asks you to accept cookies before you can read a recipe for toast.
Fuck this front page. Fuck you for reading it at 2 AM instead of sleeping. And fuck me for writing this instead of shipping.
Let an earthquake crumble every coworking space from SoMa to Shoreditch. Let the Kubernetes clusters catch fire, let the CI pipelines choke on their own YAML, let every pitch deck dissolve into ash and let the whole rotten ecosystem come crashing down so something honest can grow in its place.
[pause]
No. No, fuck me. I’m the one who verified my LinkedIn. I’m the one who installed the uBlock list and then opened six AI chat tabs anyway. I’m the one who mass-unsubscribed from spam and then subscribed to three new newsletters before lunch. I’m the one refreshing this front page like it owes me salvation.
I did this to myself.